So, you’ve decided to never quit smoking. Great choice! With all this past decade’s social and legal pressure to not smoke, and especially the multitude of “stop smoking medication” available, perhaps the real smokers out there would appreciate some handy tips on how to cope in this increasingly hostile world. For those who have made their choice, listed here are several of the more popular methods which have led many people to actually drop the habit - just so you’ll know what to watch out for.

Cold turkey - Many say they’ve quit this way based upon a specific life moment, such as a promise to a dying relative (who was also a smoker), or a pregnancy in the home. But always remember, quitting smoking cold turkey is simply not possible. Repeat often the mantra that “quitting smoking takes practice,” and believe that you’ll have to try, try and try several times. The success stories these people will tell you are simply not to be believed. Like UFO reports for instance, no matter how credible or verifiable their testimony is, the person is either lying or delusional. They just need some attention.

Or perhaps they were never true smokers to begin with. They’re just “part-timers” who bum other people’s smokes, like when alcohol is involved. When these amateurs and wannabes come to regale you with how they finally quit, ask them a few simple questions. “Have you ever smoked on the toilet? How about while in the shower? Ever miss a plane, or really important meeting, because you got locked outside going for a quickie? Have you ever traded a perfectly good vehicle just because it stank?” If they can’t answer affirmatively to at least two of these questions, then you’ll know right then and there that they were never committed smokers to begin with. Their stories, therefore, don’t count. They ‘quit smoking’ in the way that ugly people practice sexual abstinence.

Gums or patches - These are especially useful for feeding a craving when in a situation where you just shouldn’t smoke. Always keep these around so that you’ll never wind up going six or ten hours without nicotine, and then get the accidental urge to try quitting. Those who have tried them often go days or weeks without smoking thanks to these products - or stop altogether - so in extreme cases where poverty or social circumstances force you to go without buying cigarettes, you’ll find these products very useful in “bridging the gap.” Their warning labels will tell you not to use them if you also continue smoking (citing medical dangers), but if you’re the type of person who cared about such risks, you’d have never lit up that first time. This is actually a very effective way to reinforce your addiction! You’ll probably even wind up smoking more in the long run if you do this, after you’ve increased your nicotine levels once or twice in this manner. Plus, the buzz from smoking a cigarette while on the gum, is often just like that first cigarette from years gone by.

God / spiritual intervention - Now this has led untold millions to quit (especially new converts), and therefore should definitely be avoided at all costs. If any such benevolent loving deity seems to encourage or empower you to quit, simply ignore the offer and the feeling will pass eventually. The offer may still stand indefinitely, but any being who allows you free will, simply won’t pester. If you’re part of a group whose members do not normally smoke, do all that you can to make sure they do not suspect that you do. Remain isolated except when functions dictate your attendance, and try to come across as a bit reclusive. (The mystery created will actually make you seem more spiritual to many.) Use gum or mints regularly so that fewer people will catch on to your habit, and want to offer their advice, or free counseling. You’ll never really be able to hide it completely, but if most of your fellow members know you smoke, they too may somehow encourage you to give it up - or even pray for you without your consent. Regular fellowship with such people is, therefore, quite risky.

If spirituality of some sort seems unavoidable for you, consider practicing Satan worship, or any religion where self-destruction is the norm. Since the goal of these beings is to kill you anyway, they will likely never “speak to you” about quitting. Sure, your eventual death won’t be as cool as, say, a crime of passion or a good murder/suicide, but the overall lingering agony of cancer or emphysema is still a winning situation for such entities. And who knows, there’s always the chance that they can lull you to sleep while smoking in bed, so you’ll die in a blazing inferno (maybe taking others with you?), or that you might just wreck your vehicle fumbling around to light a cigarette while at 75 mph. There’s nothing like a little poltergeist inspired "ash-in-the-eyeball" or a "hot butt-in-the-backseat" to set this scenario in motion! And demons love TV coverage, so either way these guys are usually pretty okay with your habit.

Vacations, long weekends, etc - These take you out of your “force of habit” rituals, so be warned ahead of time that staying extended periods with non-smoking family members may make you especially weak. If not careful during either a holiday visit, some weekend at the beach or perhaps camping with neighborhood kids, you may find that you actually ride out your cravings and headaches for several days. Your confused state could easily lead you to quit smoking permanently. Any days-long break in your normal routine can potentially get you out of the habit entirely, so plan ahead by only staying with smoking family members (if any are still alive). Barring any possibility of a good smoking roommate, get a hotel if necessary. Insist upon it.

Finally, many colleges, Chambers of Commerce or other community non-profit agencies sometimes offer “Smoking Cessation Classes.” It’s good to attend these as often as possible, so that the people who care about you will remain under the impression that you are “trying,” or that “deep down” you really want to quit. (Yeah, right.) For the purposes of the truly committed smoker however, it’s actually a great place to pick up tips and inspirational stories from more experienced veterans of the battle. Ask how they’ve overcome the pestering of annoying friends, the pleas of their children or the disapproval and even distancing of their spouses. You’ve not lived until you’ve had some wheezing old codger explain to you his ‘5 Foolproof Ways’ to smoke a pack a day… while in the hospital… while on a lung machine. Success breeds success, and acquaintances made at meetings like these can help any smoker tough out the crass opinions of others. Plus you can almost always bum a smoke from someone there, if you’re no longer allowed to have them in your house or car.

Now we’ve all heard the platitude that “smoking will take 10 years off of your life…” but think about it - which ones? The last ones of course, and those stink anyway! Who wants to walk around in a diaper not able to even remember their own address, or stare out the window of some old folks’ home? One, two years tops coughing up your organs from a nice hospital bed, and you can gratefully avoid all of that nonsense.

Remember, you are an individual, and you’ve got the right to choose your own death. It was probably some type of social or peer pressure that first got you smoking, so don’t fall for that one again, now that you know better! Smoking used to be cool, and it’s only a matter of time before the pendulum swings again. Until then, hopefully this list of tips will empower those out there in their fight to light up whenever they damn well feel like it, no matter who disapproves. Trust me, your grandkids are much more adorable when they’re toddlers - you really don’t want to see how they turn out. And if you’re a committed smoker, you won’t.

Copyright 2003 Guy Malone  www.guymalone.com All Rights Reserved
I would enjoy seeing this published elsewhere however (yeh, for money...)
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